It’s ok.

I didn’t do much of my 2021 resolutions, but I did the most important one: get mental health.
Honestly, I am so happy right now. My mind is at peace and it’s like the demons in my head finally shut up.
I am a person who struggles with perfectionism, and I’m my own pusher.
But sometimes, sometimes it’s too much. I barely can celebrate any accomplishment because it’s not enough (or at least that’s what I used to think). But right now, I feel like a heavy weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

So, this year I’ll FOCUS ON my mental stability and my emotional well-being. Everything else will come, and even if I do not have a religious preference, I still have HOPE: IN MYSELF.
I decided to open the Pandora Box once, and discovered that Hope is truly there. Grab it!
Be happy! Stay healthy! Hug your relatives and friends. Don’t wait any time to do something because you are waiting for the “perfect” time. Perfectionism isn’t real. It’s ok to not be ok. If you fall, touch the ground and gather the strength to stand up again.
Let’s FOCUS ON be ourselves.
Thanks for reading! Much love to y’all! Thanks for being there for me.

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Stain

“Do you need some time, on your own?” -That sentence from November Rain lyrics have been resonating in my brain since 2013.

I guess I did not understand their meaning until now when I am currently wrapped on a cozy blanket typing these letters.

Being alone has been a challenging task for since I can even remember. I am being like this since I was a kid and honestly, walking this Earth alone is not as bad as you may think.

However, sometimes I wish there was someone who can hug me when I need to cry. Someone who can hold my hand while I try to jump on a leap of faith.

My brain betrays me and tells me that I am alone because I am imperfect and not worthy of love.

I wanted to change that, but one morning, when I was getting ready for work, I looked into the mirror, and I said “You look good. You are perfect!” -and then it happened: a stain marked my blouse, and everything went to hell.

It was a little one, but I could see it. I did notice it.

That reminds me that even though I try to be “perfect”, I am still a human after all. I can have mistakes and learn from them. I can fall and do some bruises on my knees and continue walking on the road.

Tear

I am crying tonight and I don’t know why. I am not feeling sadness, but purposeless.

And there’s an empty feeling in my heart and I can’t stop shedding warm tears.

I feel so lost again, but I’m not ready to go back to hiding.
Although, there’s this unexpected feeling of getting under a rock and disappear for a bit –To get into the shadows and let them consume me into their abyss.

If only my tired soul could blend into the darkness of this emptiness, maybe then this process would’ve been less painful.

But there’s something peculiar about this feeling, that is trying to fight a non-existent war.

Because the darkness has always been a part of me, yet it is starting to tearing me apart.

The song.

It was 2:37 a.m. when the rain started pouring and the window was getting full of beautiful water drops, resembling tears from some shiny eyes.

I woke up from a deep sleep and heard the ethereal sound of a bird singing. I thought “How is possible that he is singing so beautifully at this hour, while the clouds are crying incessantly into this World?”

I tried to understand the motives of such a bird, but he kept singing even louder, that a musician could write a special melody just for that moment. Perhaps it was the first time this bird could enjoy the rain, and he was being happy and grateful to enjoy such scenery.

My body was lying in the bed, with my head on a not-so-soft pillow, covered with cotton sheets. I had just awakened from a nightmare and I was being greedy because the heavy rain started, and this bird was so vocal near my window. I debated whether to go back to sleep or simply give in and appreciate a one-of-a-time performance.

As time was running, I closed my eyes, and some warm tears of my own were shed for the most beautiful moment I have had in a long time. Appreciating that moment, I had to embrace my fears of going down another bad dream from which I just pulled out; so, I kept my ears wide-awake to keep relishing that sweet piece of music that the little bird was creating just for me.

Hiding

Where to hide when you are already hiding? The feeling that has been haunting me lately.

I have no place to go. I have no where to put myself. Digging an endless grave in this World has been consuming me from the inside. Am I doing this wrong? Maybe just bury me already. I don’t want to keep breathing a polluted air filled with hate and anger.

My mind is spinning around and it’s getting tired of thinking the same old stuff. I can’t keep doing this because I’m already running away, but how can I concealed from own self? I feel betrayed.

One day or day one?

I want to tell you a story, but every time I write seems like a tragic comedy.
In fact, my life seems like one some times too.
Closing a chapter is not easy for me, but I want to grow as a person and as a human too.
I, sometimes, invest so much time in my own mind-world, that I forget that there is so much outside of it too.
I don’t want to miss living again; I want to feel with every single one of my bones and touch the grass with every centimeter of my skin.
Last year I learned a lesson or two, but I am so ready to learn so much more.
And if that means to risk it all, I have nothing to lose and getting some pain wouldn’t be a problem either.
I’ve fallen several times and I always rise up because I have no other choice but to make it right.
I’ll say yes to every opportunity life gives me from now on, even though seems late, I don’t want to miss a thing anymore.
I’ll jump and I’ll fly.

One day starts now, making it day one.

The White side of the Moon

Is not as bright as you think. It’s just a fake persona mask given due to the lighthing Sun.

If the Sun, who’s a big star, shine bright for you, then why are you whining of? Why are you crying like a Magdalena in this endless Winter?

You don’t even need to shine by yourself, you just need to keep going around that orbit.

Isn’t that enough for you? Why are you still complaining that much?

Oh. It must be because you are the fakest star in this Universe. You don’t have your own light, and that my dear, must be devastating.

Solo

Loneliness is tragic, yet so delicious. Isn’t is curious? How that sentiment can mess up with your mind? But, is very different from being alone; because being alone is a decision that you can willingly make. However- loneliness is also experienced in a room full of people- people who actually care about you but you are so entrapped in your devouring thoughts that you can’t pay attention.
Loneliness can be your friend if you open your arms to it; or can be your foe and beat you up from the inside until there’s nothing left.
As a lonely soul myself, I can share with you that this isn’t the most pitiful sentiment. But waiting for something impossible to happen, like a warm hug in the morning after a long night, that’s what is pathetic.

Free me pt. 1

I’ve been trying to write this since a couple of weeks ago. Sometimes I feel that my brain doesn’t belong to me anymore. Isn’t that strange?

There’s something weird about being a

Cancer. Your mind is always surrounded by emotions, sentiments, ups and downs.

Who would’ve think about the way your head is always spinning around that particular emotion?

I am talking about loneliness. That particular sensation that fills up every bone in your body. If I end up dying tonight, I may go in peace because I have no one to hold on to.

But what if I’m wrong? What if I do have something that holds my hand and does not let me go?

Then I’m not lonely anymore, I’m accompanied.

Then why I’m still feeling alone? It’s like my body is immerse in the deep Pacific Ocean. My heart doesn’t beat anymore, it’s drowning now. It scares me, but I don’t know what to do. There’s an invisible anchor with its chain that pulls me down to the Mariana Trench.

You may think that I am crazy, but I am not. I am just another human who’s feelings are always on the verge. Whose loneliness is feeding up inside and will end up empty soon.

If this heart cannot beat anymore, if these lungs cannot breath your air, then I don’t know how I will keep going on with this emotional battle. They feel trapped in this magestic ocean maze and no one can free them.

Freedom is a human right, but are you really free? Do you really believe that fairytale? No. We are never free from our damnation and fucked up mind. Once it is corrupted, nothing can bring her back. Unless you let go that trammel and start your emancipation.

It is a constant struggle between my mind and my heart; they are always fighting on our happiness endeavor. Like two medieval ships that will go directly to Davy Jones’s locker. He likes hearts, did you know that?

However, this contention only happens in my head. No one suspects of such opposition because I worked my pokerface enthusiastically.

-Oh, how foolish of me!. Or should I said, how fool that I am lying to myself?

“Well played little one, you just added another string to your anchor. Let’s keep drowning in this sublime Ocean once and for all” -another inner voice said. Should we listen to it? Or should we let it go?

If you want freedom, being a Cancer makes it paradoxical. Because you are always entitled to your feelings and emotions.

Absolem pt. 1.

I was looking for some a refugee site. I wanted to hide under your feathery wings, and I was still feeling cold. I looked up to your camera and wanted to bury myself inside, but I was still breathing unevenly. And let us not talked about that party where everybody thinks it is can act like jury, because I would not bear it.

Remember when I told you that I was lost? Well, I still am. How funny is that no one can found me yet. I ran away from the unbearable pain that you could have caused me, just to find myself in another kind of it. I opened many bottles of Moscato, and they still pleasantly empty on my nightstands.

If our soul has divisions, let me tell you that one piece of me still hanging around this World. So innocent and untouchable, yet so fragile and beautiful. I wonder if that piece of myself misses me as hard as I do.

But today is a different day: my whole self is crying because apparently no one understands me. I wanted a warm hug and I received a word. I wanted a cute smile and I received a text. I wanted your hand and I got nothing. Now is just emptiness inside of me. Is this how my World comes to an End? Like a storm thriving myself into the dark abysm and never coming back? Perhaps that will be the most ethereal way of departing this Realm.

But the fault of this freaking feeling will always be me. And that is because I did not want to be your safe place, nor I wanted you to be mine. Since that day I have been traveling around this world like damnation, in and out of every heart because nothing satisfies me like you do.

You are not holding my hand anymore – maybe that is why I have this uneasy feeling of emptiness. There is some lack of air in my chest and everything seems gorgeously dark now. However, that pathway is only dangerous to me and I should not keep walking throughout it.

“I can stay here” – I said that while giving up to the dancing devil in my room. The one and only mischievous sprite who kissed my forehead and touched me kindly. The one who undressed me under the Moon light and discovered my visceral lust.

…but that is another story for another day.